One In Four Female And One In Ten Male Veterans Being Sexually Assaulted “Isn’t Newsworthy”

One In Four Female And One In Ten Male Veterans 

Being Sexually Assaulted “Isn’t Newsworthy”

By Dr. Mic Hunter, 

In 2006 I was contacted by a male veteran asking me to write a book on the topic of sexual abuse in the military. While servicing he had been sexually assaulted by several male comrades. At the time he was afraid to report the crime because he feared he would be seen as a homosexual rather than a victim and discharged. He thought I might be interested in the topic because I had already written and edited several books on the issue of the sexual abuse of males. Whenever possible I like to include first person accounts in my books to illustrate the damage abuse causes in the lives of victims in a way that percentages and other numbers can’t describe. I assumed that when I asked veterans to tell their stories they would inquire, “in what branch of the military did you serve?” I imagined that once I informed them that I had never served that would be the end of the conversation. Never the less I sent out e-mails and posted notices on bulletin boards announcing the project. In no time at all I began to get e-mails from veterans, and sure enough the first thing they wanted to know was if I was veteran. However, to my surprise when they learned I wasn’t they all agreed to speak with me. Over and over I heard, “If you were military I wouldn’t talk to you, because you wouldn’t believe me.” After gathering the graphic stories of abuse from six women and four men I began what turned out to be a long search for a publisher. Fifty publishers turned me down; all claimed the book was “important, but not right for us at this time.” When I pressed them I was told, “The wars in the Middle East aren’t going well, so we don’t want to damage the moral of the troops,” or “Now that the wars are going better we don’t want to under mine the effort by calling attention to this problem.”

When at last Barricade Books released Honor Betrayed: Sexual Abuse In America’s Military I thought the mainstream media would be eager to report on it, particularly since this was about the same time the stories of wounded veterans being given substandard medical treatment was making headlines. But nearly every reporter I contacted told me that one in four female and one in ten male veterans being sexually assaulted wasn’t news. The three reporters who were concerned enough to interview me were later told by their editors and producers that it wasn’t “news worthy.”

As scandalous than the mere fact that the incidence of sexual assault in military settings is three times higher than in civilian settings is the way veterans are treated when they report being assaulted. In case after case I was told the most disturbing aspect of their experience was not the actual assault but the sense of betrayed they felt due to the way their comrades and superiors treated them when they learned the crime had been reported. The survivors referred to this as their “second victimization.”

Statistically, if you know ten veterans of any era then you know a sexual assault survivor. How can the military, politicians, and the general public all turn a blind eye to the suffering of these veterans? What ever happened to supporting our troops? We don’t need another study; for decades now after every study promises have been made, but little has been done to reduce the number of assaults and to provide treatment for the victims. If you want to do something to help these unacknowledged casualties contact your Congressional representatives and demand that the military and the Veterans Administration take meaningful action. Ask your local media why they aren’t reporting on this issue. Use your voice to speak for those who volunteered to defend your country.

A List of Virtues For Psychotherapists

A List of Virtues For Psychotherapists

Some are not born hard. A true psychologist, like an artist, must love his palette. Perhaps more kindness, more patience was needed. Do I strip before teaching how to weave new clothing? Have I taught him "freedom from" without teaching "freedom for"?

Yalom, 1992, p. 253.

Clinical practice involves spending hour after hour in the presence of the wounded of our society. Each day a parade of the depressed, anxious, anguished, bewildered, distraught, and disturbed pass by. How is one to cope with witnessing this stream of misery year after year? Each year dozens of books and hundreds of articles describe and advocate various techniques and types of psychotherapy. It seems that with each year that passes a "new" therapy is created. In 1960 we managed to survive with a mere sixty different forms of psychotherapy. During the next fifteen years the National Institute of Mental Health (1975) identified 130 different forms of therapy. It took only five more years till Herink (1980) noted there were over 250 different therapies. A mere six years later there were over 400 available therapies, which prompted Garfield to jest, "Needless to say, if this rate of increase continues, at some point we will have a different form of psychotherapy for every person in the United States" (1989, p. 19).

Rather than propose a "new" school of therapy or even technique, we  examine those virtues which we believe are necessary for  psychotherapists who desire to be effective agents of change as well as people who are able to obtain satisfaction from their interactions with sometimes extremely troubled patients. 

A critical, and somewhat laughable, commonplace observation of mental health professionals is that mental health professionals —particularly psychologists — have a specific profile on the Minnesota Multiphasic Personality Inventory: the profile is characterized by elevations in three of the clinical scales, the "depression", the "psychopathic deviant", and the "social introversion" scales.  The armchair interpretation of these elevations taken together is that psychologists are somewhat depressed;  depression affects the ways that  all people, including mental health clinicians, think and see the world;  they tend to be negative in their interpretations and outlooks.  Further, psychologists have a great deal of energy which leads them to try to control their universes as they know them.  And, finally psychologists tend to not operate fairly rebelliousely with authority figures (people who tell them waht to do), hating to take direction.  All of this adds up to the idea that psychologists in specific and mental health professionals in particular really hate to face the changes that have come with the modifications in psychotherapies and in the psychotherapy marketplac.  Mental health clinicians are being challenged to change frequently in ways in which they do not want to change.  They are being asked to relinquish control over their professional domains and to respond to externally imposed expectations from insurance companies, licensing boards, and lawyers in ways that have not been present for them in the past.  

Further, when asked about how they respond to these market changes mental health professionals tend to somewhat cranky;  they also protest that they will never adapt to the changes.  

A group of mental health professionals (75) attended a workshop that had, as part of its focus the challenges of contemporary mental health practice.  These workshop participants, when asked about how they respond to these changes, offered the following list of their issues about these changes:

  Defensiveness about being challenged, 

  Devaluation of their spirits and loss of meaningfulness in their work,

  Redefinition of what they see as real, 

  Redefinition of what brought them to the profession, 

  Experience of fending off not necessarily realized but potential problems, 

  Experience of powerlessness in their work and their lives,  

  Loss of creativity, 

  Belief in the idea that if they identify with the risk of an event, they heighten the potential for the event,

  Sense of impending failure,  

  Experience of being pressed into a niche, 

  Sense of being caught in a bind with reference to loyalty to the client or the third party payers, 

  Redefinitions of the rules of psychotherapy

  and. Sense of denial.

These eleven items can be summarized into the following statements about resistance to change particularly the changes that are driven externally:

Mental health clinicians feel defensive about being challenged,  and they interpret that because they have been challenged, they must confront their own denial about how market changes will affect them and their practices.

These clinicians, respond from their negative view of the world, experience themselves as powerless in their work and in their lives.  They elaborate their fears by fending off not necessarily realized but potential problems;  they also begin to overidentify with the risks involved in the challenges and changes.  They tend to focus on potential, impending failures and to deny their capacities to adapt to change.  They become resentful about "being" pressed into a "niche" and about being asked to leave the niches that they occupy.  The niche that they currently inhabit is one in which they define what and how they do their work, rather than following another’s redefinition of the rules of psychotherapy or of the marketplace. 

Moreover, they are fearful of confronting their loyalties between clients who need and use their services and the external forces which  govern their practices.  

The existential crisis for mental health professionals comes as they face redefining what they see as real,  reassessing that which brought them to the profession initially, and believing in their own creativity.  They must recapture their beliefs in their own values and the meaning of their work.

And, when the mental health professionals have vented their spleens and confronted their demons, they realize the virtues that in the past  brought then to their work and that in the present keep them in the work of psychotherapy.  These are the virtues, momentarily eclipsed by fear, that led them to the work of psychotherapy and that leads them to do that work well.  

Many readers may balk at the term virtue, thinking it quaint and believing it belongs in a work of theology rather than psychotherapy. Indeed if one scans the indexes of texts utilized in graduate programs for the training of psychotherapists one is unlikely to find a single reference to virtue. Still we insist that virtue as Webster defined it, "general moral goodness; right action and thinking; uprightness" accurately describes the psychological posture we are promoting (McKechnie, p. 2042). 

Detached Compassion

Is detached compassion an oxymoron? The word compassion comes from the Latin cumpassio  or with suffering (Skeat, 1980). Noticing the order of these two words is vital to understanding compassion. The word means to be with one who is suffering, not to suffer with the other. This is the basis of the mutual-help group Al-Anon (Al-Anon, 1975, 1978, 1981). 

The skillful psychotherapist is able to strike a balance between being an empathic ally who is involved with the client, and yet enough detached as to permit the client the experience of being treated as a competent individual. Too much compassion leads to emeshment and the violation of professional boundaries, excessive detachment causes the client to see the psychotherapist as uncaring, cold,  and distant. 

Integrity and Discipline

Integrity involves having an internal locus of control. One's ethics ought to be internalized to the point that one behaves ethically because it is the right thing to do and not because one might get sued or lose one's license. To have integrity is to be aware of one's values and to behave in that fashion, as wells as  be true to one's self. 

Discipline is not mindlessly trudging through life doing what is required to get by. It is the practice of sticking with something even when the going gets tough. Being a licensed professional means having the privilege of doing things that those who are not licensed are forbidden to do, but it also means having the responsibility to do things that others would rather avoid. 

Skillful Means

If one is to be a psychotherapist then one ought to master those skills that make for effective and efficient change. In other words, do what you do, and do it well.  Psychotherapy involves numerous skills. The psychotherapist is mental juggler, shifting awareness between dozens of variables during a single session: How much time is left in the session?; What transference and counter-transference dynamics are currently active?; What is the client trying to tell me by discussing this material? and; Has the therapeutic relationship developed to the point where I can make use of humor as an intervention?). The therapist who is going to find satisfaction is the one who is able to find enjoyment in learning, practicing, and mastering the skills of the craft. 

Self-actualization

In the language of the United States Army this means, "Be all you can be." Processing skillful means is necessary, but not sufficient to becoming a virtuous psychotherapist. It is not enough merely to have learned certain professional skills, one must strive to be a better person. The person who makes excessive emphasize on being the role of psychotherapist at the expensive of not growing as a family member, friend, lover, etc. does not provide a good role model to clients, and eventually will find providing psychotherapy unrewarding. 

Although there are many roles that do not require one to be a good role model as a person it is a demanded of the psychotherapist. One may not care if the plumber or the attorney beats their children as long as the toilet gets unplugged, or the will gets written properly, but one expects the psychotherapist not to be violent at home.

Healer Heal Thyself

While self-actualization focuses on living up to one's potential, the virtue in  "healer heal thyself" focuses on one's short-comings. Since we expect our clients to examine themselves in painful ways, we ought to be willing to do the same. If we truly believe that psychotherapy is a meaningful endeavor and not a farce, then we ought to be willing to partake of it as patients and undertake our own therapy. Not only does being a psychotherapy client provide one with the opportunity to witness another demonstrate the virtues of detached compassion and skillful means which will help make one a better psychotherapist, but it also makes the process of one's self-actualization easier. 

Tikkun Olam  (To heal the world)

In order not to become cynical or develop learned helplessness psychotherapists must think beyond the individual, couple, or family who is seeking treatment. The client is not merely the people in the room, but the society that fostered the attitudes that bring people to need psychotherapy. Psychotherapist, who want to enjoy being psychotherapist for a life time can not afford to be bottom feeders, just sitting in an office, waiting for those damaged by society to appear at the door. The goal must be to change the conditions that create the need for psychotherapy, not merely to patch up the wounded and sent them back out into the battle. One must to seek social justice, not merely insurance reimbursement. 

Good Value For The Money

Although most psychotherapists have a difficult time thinking of themselves 

as businesspersons, we are in fact in the business of providing a service for a 

fee. Regardless of whether the payee is the client, the government, or an insurance company, someone, somehow, is paying for service of psychotherapy. That customer ought to be provided with a quality product. This means that the client who is being seen for a reduced fee gets the same level of high quality service as the client who is paying full fee. 

Psychotherapists must also be mindful of their ethical obligations to third party payers.  Often psychotherapists sense insurance companies and other third party payers to be faceless enemies, set on earth to complicate the process of clients and therapists. If therapists benefit from third party reimbursements, they  sign on to honor the rules of the third party reimbursement process.   

Pleasure and Joy

For the most part, psychotherapy deals with the unpleasant aspects of life. Most people are not motivated to pay another to listen to how well their lives have gone. It is only when things have not gone well that psychotherapists are sought.  However, this does not mean that psychotherapy is a glum task. Finding pleasure and joy in one's work offers an excellent model for clients and helps a bond develop between client and  psychotherapist. Just as we tell our clients crying is an acceptable expression of emotion we show them that laughter is equally important in psychotherapy. Being playful makes coping with clients’ problems easier for both the client and the psychotherapist. 

Wonder and Mystery

There are moments in the therapeutic relationship during which something wonderful and mysterious occurs; when the awe inspiring and yet indescribable takes place. This is when the psychological becomes the spiritual. These are the experiences that make being a psychotherapist worthwhile; these moments are to be treasured.  

Gratitude

One must not rely on wonder and mystery to make the therapy hour interesting. These events occur too infrequently, and demand too much of the client and the psychotherapist. While wonder and mystery are the stuff of the grand, gratitude focuses on the little things. When one is psychologically and emotionally present one is able to find significance in the common and ordinary. 

Although gratitude tends to result from concentrating on the unpretentious it too can be a spiritual experience. As Lessing wrote, "One single grateful thought raised to heaven is the most perfect prayer" (1767, p. 7).

Summary and Conclusion

References

Al-Anon. (1975). Al-Anon faces alcoholism. N.Y.: Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc.

Al-Anon. (1978). Living with an alcoholic with the help of Al-Anon.   N.Y.: Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc.

Al-Anon. (1981). Al-Anon's Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions. N.Y.: Al-Anon Family Group Headquarters, Inc. 

Garfield, S.L. (1989). The practice of brief psychotherapy. New York: Pergamon.

Herink, R. (Ed.) (1980). The psychotherapy handbook: The A to Z guide to more than 250 different therapies in use today. New York: New American Library.

Lessing, G. E. (1767). Minna von Barnhelm. 

McKechnie, J. L. (1983). Webster's new universal unabridged dictionary, 2nd ed. New York: Simon and Schuster. 

National Institute of Mental Health (1975). Research in the service of mental health. (Report of the Research Task Force; DHEW Publication No. ADM 75-236). Rockville, MD: author.

Skeat, W. W. (1980). A concise etymological dictionary of the English language. N.Y.: G.P. Putnam's Sons.

Yalom, I. D. (1992). When Nietzsche wept . New York: HarperCollins. 

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Name That Gathering Of Dogs!

Name That Gathering Of Dogs 

By Kate An Hunter, D.V.M. & Mic Hunter, Psy.D.

Throughout history humans have given specific and attractive names to groups of animals. Everyone has heard of a school of fish and a pride of lions. Then there are the more obscure terms such as a gang of elk, a wilderness of monkeys, a cete of badgers, a murder of crows, a drift of swine, a business of ferrets, a sounder of boar, and an exaltation of larks. Pity the poor neglected dog that can gather in nothing more appealing than a pack. Anyone who has ever seen a group of pugs playing together can immediately see that it is a different event than a gathering of basset hounds. Doesn’t a group of our canine companions deserve a designation with more character than pack? We think so. We believe when dogs of the same breed are gathered together there ought to be a unique term to describe the occasion. We playfully propose the following terms be adopted.

A barrel of Affenpinschers 

A sultry of Afghans 

A hip-hop of Aussies

A choir of Bassett Hounds

A hoedown of Blood Hounds

A union of Border Collies

A tea party of Boston Terriers 

A boogie of Boxers

A ballet of Borzois

A rally of Brittanies

A waddle of Bulldogs 

A convention of Bull Terriers

A conspiracy of Cairn Terriers

A closet of Cardigan Corgis

A chic of Chihuahuas

A chill of Chinese Cresteds

A lumber of Clumbers

A charm of Cockers

A chorus of Collies

A confederacy of Coon Hounds

A zoom of Corgies

A premiere of Dobermans

A staccato of Doxies

An episode of Elkhounds

A fling of Flat Coated Retrievers

A turnout of Fox Hounds

A flirt of French Bulldogs

A production of German Shepards

A grande’ of Great Danes

A hedgerow of Great Pyrenees

A race of Huskies

A salsa of Irish Setters

A quarrel of Jack Russell Terriers

A garden of Japanese Chin

A realm of King Charles Spaniels

A stampede of Labs

A landslide of Lancashire Heelers

A pride of Lowchens

A marathon of Malamutes

A melodrama of Maltese

A march of Mastiffs

A minuet of Min Pins

A splash of Otter Hounds

A flutter of Papillons

A gang of Pit Bulls

A tour of Pointers

A puff of Pomeranians

A strike of Poodles

A pluck of Pugs

A dangle of Pulik

A revolt of Rhodesian Ridgebacks

A wrestle of Rottweilers

A revolution of Russian Terriers

An avalanche of Saint Benards

A swift of Salukis

A blizzard of Samoyeds

A shipload of Schipperkes

A syndication of Schnauzers

A loch of Scottish Deer Hounds

A scene of Scotties

A furrow of Shar-Pei

A scamper of Shelties

A breeze of Shih Tzu

An uprising of Springer Spaniels

A stunt of Staffies

A torrent of Tibetan Terriers

A riot of Westies

A windfall of Whippets

A bolero of Xolo

A yap of Yorkies

Kate An Hunter, D.V.M. is the founder of Carver Lake Veterinarian Center in Woodbury, Minnesota. Mic Hunter, Psy.D., works as a psychotherapist and has authored numerous books.

Hiding In Plain Site: The Ever Expanding Realization Of The Sexual Abuse Of Males

Hiding In Plain Sight:

The Ever Expanding Realization 

Of The Sexual Abuse Of Males

Mic Hunter, Psy.D.

 “Nothing is ever accomplished by a reasonable man.” 

Bernard Shaw 

The Bad Old Days

In 1989 when I tried to find a publisher for a manuscript titled The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse I was informed by dozens of publishers that it was unreasonable to expect them to publish a book on the sexual abuse of boys because boys are almost never victims of sexual abuse, that even when it does occur it doesn’t harm them significantly, and those rare few who are harmed can’t be helped. When I finally found an editor who believed in the project she told me my proposed title, The Neglected Victims Of Sexual Abuse, would have to be changed to Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse because sexually abused boys were so neglected at the time that without the new title nobody would have any idea what the book was about. 

In the preface I wrote, “This year, as in every year, tens of thousands of boys will be sexually abused in the United States. They will be damaged physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Every aspect of their lives will be affected. When they become adults they will be plagued with sexual dysfunctions, trouble relationships, a poor sense of self-worth, and intimacy difficulties. Many will become drug addicts. Some will destroy themselves. Most of them will suffer from the effects of sexual abuse without ever realizing that they were victimized. When they read books or hear programs about sexual abuse they probably will not hear about male victims. They will call what happened to them many things, but rarely will they think of themselves as victims. To add to this tragedy, those who seek professional help from mental health centers, treatment programs, and therapists will often be misdiagnosed: the symptoms of sexual abuse may be treated but not the underlying cause. The stereotypes and myths that surround sexual abuse and male will prevent them from getting adequate help. Victimized as boys, they will be neglected as men.”

A quarter of a century later I am happy to write what was once a taboos topic-the sexual abuse of boys-has become common knowledge. Thanks to media reports on abuse of boys by clergy, coaches, and teachers the general public has learned that boys can be, and are, victims of sexual abuse. Whereas in the past men came into therapy, not only unaware how the childhood sexual abuse they experienced was affecting their current functioning, but not even identifying what happened to them as abuse, it is now common for men to come therapy already with an understanding that they were abused and that it had a negative impact on them. As a society we have come to the realization that women, not just men, commit sex crimes against children. There are now many books about sexually abused males, as well as well-established organizations committed to assisting males with a history of sexual abuse. 

Still Much To Be Done

What we once thought rare we now realize is much too common. In the 1980’s it was estimated that between two and eight percent of boys experienced sexual abuse. Current research indicates one in six boys are sexually abused before they are adults. The Internet makes child pornography much more widely available than in the past, and makes long distance solicitation of children for sex easier than in the past.

Here We Go Again

Although we have certainly made progress on the issue of sexually abused boys, the issue of men as victims of sexual abuse has not advanced as much. It wasn’t until 2012 that the Federal Bureau of Investigation included the sexual assault of men in its crime figures. Currently between five and ten percent of reported sexual assault involve a male as a victim. The crucial word in that sentence is, “reported,” because the crime of sexual assault in general is under-reported, and when the victim is a man even more so. In his book, Male On Male Rape: the Hidden Toll Of Stigma And Shame, Michael Scarce observed: “We can easily believe that a child might not be able to defend himself against an adult, but the sexual violation of a man may come as something of a shock, for men have traditionally been expected to defend their own boundaries and limits while maintaining control, especially sexual control, of their own bodies. When this does not occur, when other men rape men, society tends to silence and erase them rather than acknowledge the vulnerability of masculinity and manhood.”

In 2006 when I contacted fifty publishers with Honor Betrayed: Sexual Abuse in America’s Military I was informed I was being unreasonable because the sexual abuse of military personnel by their comrades is rare, when it does occur only women are victimized, in the rare cases that a male is the victim he is a homosexual and shouldn’t have been in the military in the first place, and that military personnel who are sexually assault aren’t damaged to the degree civilians are harmed. However, by 2013 it had become painfully clear that sexual assault in the military does occur, is perpetrated against both men and women, and is damaging. Research indicates that at least ten percent of male veterans were sexually assaulted while serving, and it was so traumatic that half of them experience they left the military.

Here We Go Again-Again

In 2014 the topic of sexual assault on college campuses began to be addressed in the media. In almost all cases when males were mentioned it was only as perpetrators, not as someone who was at risk of being victimized. Experts were interviewed and advised parents to warn their daughters about the risks of sexual assault, and to discuss with their sons how to avoid being falsely accused of date rape, but the topic of males being sexually assaulted was absent from the discussion. The sexual assault of young males continues to be overlooked and minimized, particularly when it occurs as a part of hazing conducted by sports teams and fraternities. What would be considered a criminal assault if perpetrated by a stranger is explained away as nothing more than a harmless tradition when committed by teammates or fraternity brothers.

Conclusion

In my lifetime I have witnessed significant changes in the way the sexual abuse of males as been understood. Much progress has been made, yet much is left to be done. But I am confident that we have reached the point of no return; no longer will the abuse of boys and men be ignored. The fact that you are reading these words is proof of that.

“If you stick to any opinion long enough, 

it becomes respectable.” 

Bertrand Russell

About The Author

Dr. Mic Hunter has held Minnesota licenses as a Psychologist, and Marriage & Family Therapist, and as an Alcohol & Drug Counselor. In addition to articles, Mic is the author, co-author, or editor of numerous books including:

 Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse,

Honor Betrayed: Sexual Abuse In America’s Military,

Joyous Sexuality: Healing From The Effects Of Family Sexual Dysfunction,

Child Victims & Perpetrators Of Sexual Abuse, 

Adult Survivors Of Sexual Abuse: Treatment Innovations, 

The Sexually Abused Male Volumes I & II,

The Ethical Use of Touch in Psychotherapy,

Back To The Source: The Spiritual Principles Of Jesus, and,

Conscious Contact: The 12 Steps As Prayer.

He is a recipient of the Fay Honey Knopp Memorial Award, given by the National Organization on Male Sexual Victimization, "For recognition of his contributions to the field of male sexual victimization treatment and knowledge." In 2007 the Board of Directors of Male Survivor announced the creation of The Mic Hunter Award For Research Advances. Dr. Hunter, for whom the on-going award was named, became the first recipient. It was given to him for his, “ceaseless pursuit of knowledge about male sexual abuse in all its occurrences, of the eloquent dissemination of new knowledge in this area, and of the stimulation for further study and concern about revealing, treating and preventing male sexual abuse.”

Prayer: "Hello, Anybody There?"

Prayer: “Hello, Anybody There?”

A relationship with a higher power must be an important aspect of the Twelve Step program—after all it is mentioned in three of those Twelve Steps (Steps Five, Seven and Eleven). 

For many people, the phrases, “admitted to God,” “humbly asked God,” and, “conscious contact with God” are not intimidating, but yet they balk at the word prayer in Step Eleven (“sought through prayer”). For them, prayer is either a lofty form of communication that is beyond reach or an impersonal dutiful task that has lost all meaning. 

The idea that one must speak in a specific style of language or words keeps some people from prayer. For example, the Third Step Prayer in Alcoholics Anonymous, “God, I offer myself to Thee—To build with me and to do with me as Thou wilt. Relieve me of the bondage of self, that I may better do Thy will” (p. 63), is in a style of speaking that most people don’t use. 

When it comes to prayer, as with most things, it is helpful to keep it simple. The same prayer can be expressed in a manner that is more accessible: I am turning my will and my life over to the care of my higher power. I ask to be free from everything that gets in my way of doing what is right. 

There are those who frequently pray, but report they don’t find it helpful. This is because they limit themselves to prayers they have memorized and repeated so often that all significance is lost. Many Twelve Step meetings begin and/or end with reciting the Serenity Prayer, but it has lost its power because the meaning of the words are ignored. 

Often when I inquire as to whether a person utilized The Serenity Prayer in a difficult situation I am told, “Yeah, but it didn’t help.” Then I ask, “Did you merely say the words, or did you actually apply the concepts?” 

In other words, were the things you cannot change identified, and were the things you can change recognized? Just as with any prayer, the Serenity Prayer is only useful to the degree that one applies it to life by taking action.

Another obstacle to a meaningful spiritual connection is uncertainty as to whom or what one is praying. Some people believe one must have a complete comprehension of God before one can pray. Fortunately, one need not fully grasp the concept of God to benefit from prayer. Long before the creation of A.A., people struggled with a lack of belief in God and prayer. Hence the prayer, “O God, if there be a God, save my soul, if I have a soul.” It implies one doesn’t need faith in order to begin praying; instead start praying and faith will develop. It is a classic case of, “acting as if.” 

One need not even use the word God while praying if it is confusing or distasteful because it is associated with negative experiences. I have even suggested beginning prayer with the phrase, “To whom it may concern.”

Resentment towards God and/or religion is a barrier to the development of a meaningful spiritual relationship. As with any relationship, being open and honest about hurt and anger is the best way to let go of long-held resentments and move towards reconciliation. Many times I have encouraged people to have it out with God, holding nothing back. In every case the outcome has been positive.

In any significant relationship, spiritual or otherwise, there has to be regular communication, and it can’t be only one way, there has to be talking and listening. It wouldn’t make much sense to call one’s sponsor and talk yet not listen for a response. The eleventh Step makes this clear, “Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God, as we understood God.” Unfortunately, people pray/talk, but don’t bother to meditate/listen. 

Prayer is simply reaching out to God, and meditation is merely listening for “knowledge of God’s will” (Step Eleven). How would one know if what came during meditation was actually God’s will or merely stinkin’ thinkin’? One way to assess the appropriateness of an action is to imagine revealing it in a Twelve Step meeting. According to the second Tradition there is a loving God expressed in the group conscience. If one can imagine the members of one’s group endorsing a course of action then it is likely to be in accordance with God’s will. However if one is nervous about disclosing some planned action to other recovering people then that may be an indication such behavior is contrary to the “care of God,” as mentioned in Step Three.

According to Alcoholics Anonymous, prayer works, “if we have the proper attitude and work at it” (p. 86). Fortunately, perfection is not required.

Dr. Mic Hunter is the author of numerous books: Abused Boys: The Neglected Victims of Sexual Abuse, Honor Betrayed: Sexual Abuse In America’s Military, Back To The Source: The Spiritual Principles Of Jesus, and Conscious Contract: The 12 Steps As Prayer.

Wabi Sabi Your Relationships

Wabi Sabi Your Relationships

It isn’t often that a concept that has the power to alter relationships has a name that is fun to say. Wabi sabi (wobby sobby) is a Japanese term that is difficult to say without smiling that describes a profound way of viewing relationships with oneself, other people, and life in general. Richard Powell the author of Wabi Sabi Simple defined it as, “Accepting the world as imperfect, unfinished, and transient, and then going deeper and celebrating that reality.” An heirloom that has been passed down from generation to generation is prized not despite the signs of use it shows, but because of those marks. Nobody ever claimed Leonard Cohen, Bob Dylan, or Lead Belly are great singers in the conventional sense of the word, but they are excellent singers from a wabi sabi viewpoint.

To be wabi sabi in a relationship with another is more than tolerating that person’s imperfections, it is to find the good in those so-called defects. It is to find acceptance not despite the imperfections, but because of them. To be wabi sabi in a relationship is to give up on trying to “fix” that person, which opens up more time and energy to be together with less conflict.

Relationships tend to go through stages. The first one is always infatuation or “falling in love.” The other person and the couple being created is seen as nearly perfect. The second stage is when one or the other members of the couple realize that things, meaning the other person, aren’t so perfect after all. With this realization some people bail out of the relationship to once again search for that perfect person, their soul mate, that will complete them. But fortunately most people decide to stay in their relationships and work things out. Unfortunately that usually means attempting to change the other person, to be more the way he or she “should” be. Many couples spend the rest of their lives in this struggle to change the other. 

Some people finally figure out the folly of trying to “fix” the other person in the relationship, but continue to resent that their loved one won’t change. The resentment comes up in conflicts but is never resolved. Still others manage to get to the point of tolerating the defects of their loved one without being resentful. Only a few couples manage to reach the stage where they begin to see the other person’s actions/thoughts/feelings not as a reflection of their own worth, but as opportunities for self-reflection. The members of these rare couples are those who take the position; “I am 100% responsible for my 50% of this relationship.” That attitude doesn’t mean one is 50% responsible for what the other person does, but it does mean one is completely responsible for how one responds to the other person’s actions. One method for fostering this type of relationship is a nightly exchange in which each individual takes responsibility for a mistake and takes note of two positive thing the other person did that day. 

Spouse 1-“One thing I did today that lessened our intimacy was not calling you back at the time we agreed I’d call. I apologize for that. One thing that you did to improve our intimacy was when you told me you were hurt and angry that I didn’t call back you didn’t yell, but said it calmly. A second thing you did that improved our intimacy today was thanking me for picking up the dry cleaning. I like it when you notice when I follow through on agreements and thank me.” Focusing on one’s own imperfections rather than the other person’s while also noting the positive things the other person did changes the style of interactions from that often found in highly conflicted relationships in which each persons is an expert on what he or she did right and also an expert on what the other person did wrong.  

Perhaps the most challenging relationship in which to practice wabi sabi is with oneself.  Our “defects of character,” and “shortcomings” are what made us who we are today. They are the psychological, emotional, and spiritual equivalent of the winkles, scars, and laugh-lines on our bodies. We will never be perfect humans, but we can be perfectly human. As Leonard Cohen croaked in his wabi sabi song Anthem, “There is a crack in everything. That’s how the light gets in.”